So this week wasn't an easy week for me. Darkfall
seems to be slowly consuming all of my free time
, because I sure as heck don't want to have Tasos Flambouras kicking down my door with his server logs and curses of inappropriate reporting
. (Although at this point I'd love to see my server logs because they're probably long enough to trip him when he carries them down hallways.)
Anyway, that's not my point. My point is that I just couldn't think of anything to write about. Nothing would come into my head no matter how hard I tried. Then, last night, when I was munching on some Milano cookies
, it finally hit me. (I'm totally being paid for that Milano cookies reference, by the way. The truth is coming out -- I'm rolling in Pepperidge Farm bribe money and I don't care who knows how corrupt I am!)
I should write a column on things that drive me batty about MMOs! Things that just, well, never quite made sense to me, yet we do them. There are lots of examples of this, of course, but let me show you some of the things that make it to the top of my list.I'll show you where you can stick that Oddly Smelling Staff of the Homeless Shoemaker That Lives On Mulberry Lane
People, let me remind you that magical items surprisingly did exist before Blizzard began churning out enchanted swords on an assembly line basis
. King Arthur did not wield the Slightly Glowing Sword of the Orangutan
. So, um, why should I?
I guess I'm that type of person who misses good ol' fashioned well-made items. You know, like the masterwork stuff, where swords are just better made and not all magical. I'm probably blasphemous for saying this, but I miss the Sword +5. That made some type of inner sense to me, even though I know it's like comparing apples to less colorful apples. The Rainbow Gemmed Polearm of the Artistically Inclined Rabbit sounds much better than the Dagger +2.
Here's a good question for you -- if Azeroth has so many magical items, then why the heck are there so many problems? Eh, perhaps that question is too meta and going against the basic game design -- the idea of suspending disbelief because the game is enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm never going to play World of Warcraft
again because of this one little nitpick.
I guess what really gets me is how everyone else in the world copies it. Even Tabula Rasa
, with its guns of science, tried to go for the "magical weaponry" angle. Prototype gun names would have been way cooler. Although they did have Shawn's Cryogenic Leech Gun
, so I guess I can't be too angry.You see, that raid boss isn't evil, he just had a cold
This one is, by far, a more legitimate complaint -- raid bosses that are assumed to be evil, even though we never actually see them being evil. In fact, most of the time, they're standing around doing nothing.
Case in point -- Illidan Stormrage
. If there is any evil in the Stormrage family, it's obviously Malfurion
. Guy snogged Tyrande Whisperwind
for how many millenia in front of Illidan? And that's not a crime? If I were Illidan, I would have taken on the powers of a demon and teamed up with Lady Vashj
and Kael'thas Sunstrider
centuries before he did.
But you see, when we get to The Burning Crusade
, what's the most evil that Illidan does to us? Yell at us angrily? Partner with some pretty idiotic friends? Brood in a gigantic black temple? Stand there when we come to kill him? He doesn't sound like an evil threat to the world. Sheesh, he sounds more like an old man yelling at the kids to get off his lawn. "Get out of Shadowmoon Valley, you whipper-snappers and your Swords of the Mongoose!"World of Warcraft
isn't the only game with this problem, however. Raid bosses from all games seem to be stricken with "Stand-around-and-look-tough-itis." Most of our villains have to take a trip back to evil school and learn what it means to be a proper villain. Do something evil while we try to get to you, or something. I dunno! Kill someone and then laugh at us! Make me want to punch you when I find you!
The only time I ever get to see villains being evil is in the quest text drawn out by Guy Questgiver the Third. For all I know, Guy Questgiver could just be making crap up so he can go move in and be the new necromancer for the land.
You know, come to think of it, I'd probably make a pretty decent villain. I've slaughtered hordes upon hordes of people, ghosts, goblins, innocent animals, and city leaders to be at least crowned "Mass Murderer of Azeroth."